Mandeg

Sedang tidak banyak yang bisa gw kerjakan. Akhir bulan lalu gw mengambil sebuah keputusan radikal. Entah bakal gw sesali atau nggak. Yang jelas keputusan itu mengubah orientasi dan pola hidup gw. Semua yang dulu ada rumusnya sekarang bergerak secara abstrak maju-mundur, naik-turun dalam dinamika yang tidak tertebak. Chaos!

Absurd? Mungkin. Kacau? Bisa jadi. Tidak apalah. Jika memang ini yang mesti dibayarkan untuk sebuah kejernihan dan kejelasan. It's just something that I have to do. Untuk memahami pelajaran-pelajaran hidup yang sudah singgah tapi tidak sempat termaknai karena hidup terlalu sibuk untuk berlari dan membudak pada peradaban kota. Kini gw ngelepas semua belenggu itu. Mungkin gw juga tengah memasung diri gw dalam belenggu-belenggu baru. Entahlah.

Telah berjalan sejenak kini. Gw mulai uring-uringan. Rasa sesal atas masa lalu yang kelam dan tidak menguntungkan pun hadir. Tapi untungnya semua datang sebagai pemahaman. Betapa gw sudah pernah begitu beruntung. Bagaimana hal-hal kecil yang kadang-kadang tidak bisa gw hargai ternyata bernilai penting.

Ah sudahlah. Yang penting ada untungnya. Bagaimanapun kan gw masih orang Indonesia juga. Yang selalu bisa melihat titik cerah dalam kepekatan kabut. Yang selalu bisa menemukan sisi baik dari sebuah cerita kelam.

Masalahnya sekarang hidup masih terjebak dalam kabut? Biarlah. Biarkan semua derita mendera dulu. Bukankah Roy Marten saja bisa menyimpulkan kalau hidup kadangkala butuh penghinaan dan penganiayaan agar kita bisa mendapat kepahaman.

Cuma sebuah hati yang senantiasa bersenandung: Semoga badai pasti berlalu!

PS. Sebuah quote dari film, "Waiting..." (2005) tanpa diduga-duga mewakili apa yang harus gw lalui sekarang, "So, when things in your life become stagnant - you know, you're no longer happy with what you're doing - then you figure out what's important to you. Then create your own showing game."

Stuck in The Moment
U2

I'm not afraid of anything in this world
There's nothing you can throw at me
That I haven't already heard
I'm just trying to find a decent melody
A song that I can sing in my own company

I never thought you were a fool
But darling, look at you
You gotta stand up straight, carry your own weight
These tears are going nowhere, baby

You've got to get yourself together
You've got stuck in a moment and you can't get out of
Don't say that later will be better
Now you're stuck in a moment and you can't get out of it

I will not forsake the colours that you bring
But the nights you filled with fireworks
They left you with nothing
I am still enchanted by the light you brought to me
I still listen through your ears
And through your eyes I can see

And you are such a fool to worry like you do
I know it's tough and you can never get enough
Of what you don't really need now, my oh my

You've got to get yourself together
You've got stuck in a moment and you can't get out of it
Oh love, look at you now
You've got yourself stuck in a moment and you can't get out of it

I was unconcious, half asleep
The water is warm till you discover how deep
I wasn't jumping, for me it was a fall
It's a long way down to nothing at all

You've got to get yourself together
You've got stuck in a moment and you can't get out of it
Don't say that later will be better
Now you're stuck in a moment and you can't get out of it

And if the night runs over
And if the day won't last
And if our way should falter
Along the stony pass
And if the night runs over
And if the day won't last
And if our way should falter
Along the stony pass
It's just a moment, this time will pass